Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
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Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me: