Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

If you’re testing me, we failed.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

How funny!

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”