Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That lamp looks PISSED.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail