Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
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Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!