Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

one week till the election

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.