him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
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Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
This came to me in a dream.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.