Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
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Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
How many? 🤔
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
watergate? u mean a dam??
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.