Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
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NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
23. the denim jacket
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I’m already scared
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Interior design 👌
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.