Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

Great Canadian literature.

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.