him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
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I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
subtitles are so good nowadays
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
My purse is deeper than some people.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.