Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

This fish is cracking me up

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

My 9yo decided to give me a lil pop quiz on our way to school this morning. She really pumped me up and cheered every time I got it right. Anyway, I accidentally did her math homework

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.