Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

In space, no one can hear…

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.