Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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This meal prepping shit easy
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.