Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
What if all the cashiers are married?
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service