Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though