Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.