Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

Aw man, but that’s the best part

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

Me: *panicking*

Friend: just go with your gut

Me: *panicking while eating nachos*

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.