Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
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ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I wanna be friends with this person
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please