Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.