Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
they really do be looking like this
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread