Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.