Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.