Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊