Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

The Onion called it…again.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

they should create new variants of dopamine

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?