Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other