Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’