Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

scares