Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

👾👾👾

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see