Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
You Might Also Like
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
greetings!
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
That’s easy for you to say
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing