Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
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I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three