Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
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It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
