Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
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Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.