Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
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Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Yes, this is exactly right
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
It’s the weekend y’all
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.