Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
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I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
i smell a pulitzer
it is time once again
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date