Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
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Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
🤣🤣🤣
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.