Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.