HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
