Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.