Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.