Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

Has there ever been a more American story?

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car