Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?