Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

Well, this certainly took a turn

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”