Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

A friend helps you before you need it