Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.