Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

mood

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.