Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

But is it really??

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.