Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

long lost

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch