Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

thanksgiving in nutshell

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!