Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

what day is it?

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud