Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…