Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me hooking up with my ex

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Unimpressed

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?