Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

How do I get a job writing these texts

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.