Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
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[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
This hospital has everything
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.