Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

Schrödinger’s cookie

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.