Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

What do you text your spouse?

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.