HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
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People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
🤣dope
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal