Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
