Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

😆this is so true

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more