Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions