Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
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In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
sometimes we need to be reminded
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?