Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
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Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Just organising my finances.
