Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.