HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
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me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.