Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.