HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
It’s Monday, but at what cost?