Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
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My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.