Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*