Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?