Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
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Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
when someone rings the doorbell
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date