Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
