Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.