Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.