Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
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Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle