Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes