Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
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Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Check out the legs on this baby
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
The most precious boy
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar